Letter

Last semester, I was in a support group targeted to engage positive body image. One of the assignments was to write a letter to your younger self at the point when negative body image was just setting in. For me, writing this released a lot of anger that I didn't even know I had. I read it often to remind myself why I choose, every day, to stay in recovery.

To Whom This May Concern:

I know that you hear these things all the time:
That you are beautiful just the way you are,
That you should love your body,
That real women have curves.
Somehow, I’m guessing that you still want to be skinny. Any why not? Thin is in. Clothes will look better on you, boys will think you look like a model, you’ll make so many friends and probably even gain your father’s long-lost approval. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s easy to lose weight when dieting has been institutionalized into a consumerist package of “health.” Going on a juice fast? Your colon will thank you! Working out for hours on end at the gym? Someone give that girl a ribbon, she puts her health first! Forget that you have a brain, a personality, relationships, interests... these things are insignificant compared to the potential of your hot bikini bod.
If this is the route you decide to take, I’ll be honest, it won’t be easy. Being thin hurts. But our patriarchal society has successfully taught women from a young age that anything worth having hurts at least a little bit, right? Besides the to-be-expected muscle pain and hunger pangs, if you’re lucky enough to become so thin that you may be described you as ‘emaciated’, your bones will continuously ache, you will be facing chronic insomnia (that’s okay, more time to burn calories), you can forget about having children, and your hair and nails will slowly deteriorate until they fall out completely. But don’t worry about all that, you’ll be skinny and beautiful.
As for your mind, be prepared to be empty. When all you can think about is food, when the only emotions you have are guilt and self-hatred because you are such a fat lazy bitch, your personal life will surely prosper. You will make and maintain deep and meaningful connections with others. If this doesn’t happen, don’t worry. Remember it's just because everyone around you is so intensely jealous that you’re so thin and perfect.
Perfection... it hurts to be perfect. No, it hurts to want to be perfect. To be in the all consuming space between perfect and not and knowing, I could be, but...
You won’t. You won’t succeed. You’ll die before you do. Either way, you are a failure. So you get to choose now. Do you want a life, or do you want a body?

-Kenda

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